Archive for the ‘Humor’ category

Madden 2011: Five Type of Players You Will Meet Online

August 12th, 2010

It’s the closest thing to the real thing: Madden NFL Football.

You call the shots, you make the plays, you move the chains.

It’s all X's and O's against the AI opponents, but venturing into the abyss that is online play, one game to the next, you never know who you will meet on the virtual gridiron.

That is where the proverbial stuff starts to hit the fan.

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NASCAR Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

August 11th, 2010

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick

Harvick was running sixth before suffering a flat tire on the final lap at Watkins Glen, spoiling a certain top-10 finish. He surrendered five positions on the final lap and was nipped at the line for 10th by Jeff Gordon, his closest pursuer in the point standings.

“The flat tire cost us several places,” Harvick said. “Had it happened at any other point in the race, I’m sure the No. 29 Shell/Pennzoil crew could have quickly remedied it, I’m guessing in well under the four months it took BP to stop their leak.

“When the Chase starts, I plan to be right in the middle of the mix. I am definitely a legitimate contender for the title. Even my wife DeLana thinks so, and, as you know, what she thinks carries weight in this family. But her support can only do so much for me; the actual winning is up to me. Yes, I’ll concede that she wears the firesuit in this family, but heaven help me if she’s the one fitted for a Cup come November.”


2. Jimmie Johnson

Johnson was collected in a lap 70 incident involving Kyle Busch and Jeff Burton, who made contact racing into Turn 11. Johnson lit up his tires, and the smoke obscured the view of Denny Hamlin, whose No. 11 Toyota rammed Johnson’s No. 48 Chevy. Johnson eventually finished 29th and dropped to fifth in the point standings, 328 out of first.

“We may only be fifth in the points,” Johnson said, “but we’ve got everyone right where we want them. When you say ‘Jimmie Johnson’ and ‘fifth,’ people get nervous.

“That’s now four finishes outside of the top 20 in the last five races. Many have wondered if this team has lost its edge. Maybe, but there’s no need to panic. In the Chase for the Cup format, there’s no urgency to ‘make a stand’ when we’re ‘sitting’ on five wins. Trust me, the cushion is comforting.”


3. Kurt Busch

Busch posted his best-ever finish on a road course, taking second behind Juan Montoya in the Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips at The Glen. Busch picked off Marcos Ambrose on the race’s final restart, but the No. 2 Miller Lite Vortex Dodge was no match for Montoya, who won by five seconds. Busch vaulted three spots in the points to fourth and is 318 out of first.

“You know race sponsorship has reached its saturation point when punctuation appears in the race title,” Busch said. “Not to be confused with ‘punk-tuation,’ which happens when I get slapped by another driver.

“Now, you may have heard that I called the Hendrick drivers ‘pretty boys’ and implied that had I wrecked Jimmie Johnson, and not the other way around, I would have faced an inordinate amount of criticism. It’s clear evidence that ‘looks can be deceiving,’ which, as the wives of many a NASCAR driver can tell you, can be a good reason for marriage.

“But Johnson knows I owe him for wrecking me at Pocono, and I will have my revenge someday. As Miller Lite pouring through the Vortex bottle is my witness, my vengeance will be ‘liquidated.’”


4. Jeff Gordon

Gordon charged from 15th to 10th on the final green flag run at Watkins Glen, salvaging his seventh top-10 finish in his last eight races on a day marked by handling issues. Gordon maintained the second position in the Sprint Cup point standings, 185 behind Kevin Harvick.

“That’s 51 races without a win,” Gordon said. “That’s a long time, but everyone goes through their own slow times. You have to look at it in perspective—my wife went nearly three years without ‘delivering.’”


5. Denny Hamlin

Hamlin finished 37th after suffering damage in a lap 65 incident when Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota slammed Jimmie Johnson’s No. 48. Johnson lost control after being nudged by Jeff Burton, as Johnson, Burton, and Kyle Busch went three wide into Turn 11. It was Hamlin’s worst finish of the year and dropped him three spots in the Sprint Cup point standings to sixth, 338 out of first.

“I equate some of the racing at that fateful corner to ‘dive-bombing,’” Hamlin explained. “With that in mind, I guess that means if you put Kyle Busch in a Toyota, he becomes a ‘kamikaze.’

“If it’s not a dent in my car, it’s a dent in my wallet. Now, I’ve had my ups and downs this year. Five wins earlier this year were followed by a $50,000 fine for some derogatory things about NASCAR I said on my Twitter account. So, thus far this year, I’ve experienced the thrill of victory and the agony of the Tweet.

“But this won’t deter me from using my Twitter account. In fact, I’ll be paying the fine via Twitter. I’ll simply text ‘K’ to NASCAR 50 times, and my $50,000 fine should be covered."


6. Tony Stewart

Stewart finished seventh at Watkins Glen, surviving an on-the-track run-in with Boris Said on lap 66 that sent Said into the wall. As the two raced for position in the top 10 off of Turn 1, Said drifted wide. Stewart didn’t budge, held his line, and punted Said into the wall. Said finished a distant 38th, while Stewart’s 12th top 10 of the year kept him eighth in the point standings, 345 out of first.

“Slowly but surely,” Stewart said, “we are making progress. That’s not surprising given the time of the year. It’s summertime, so one would expect us to improve ‘by degrees.’

“Now, I may have called Boris an ‘idiot’ after our incident,” Stewart said, “but I have the utmost respect for him, as I do for any white man with an Afro. I hear the ‘Said-head’ wigs were popular at Watkins Glen, and when fans don the fake hair, they often look just like Boris. So, I can’t feel too bad about knocking this road course specialist out of the race, thus creating another ‘dead ringer.’”


7. Jeff Burton

Burton posted his 12th top-10 result of the year, finishing ninth at Watkins Glen by employing a conservative approach that kept him free of trouble for the most part. Burton advanced two places in the Sprint Cup point standings to third and trails Kevin Harvick by 315.

“That was quite a dominating drive by Juan Montoya, the pride of South America,” Burton said. “In the only race in the state of New York, those Yankees had to be taken aback by the audacity of a true ‘Southerner.’

“Of course, Montoya’s win, and standing of 19th in the point standings, begs the question, ‘Should any driver with a win automatically qualify for the Chase, despite his points standing?’ I say ‘yes.’ If there’s one thing Montoya can bring to the Chase, it’s international flavor.”


8. Kyle Busch

Busch faced an early obstacle at Watkins Glen, forced to bring the No. 18 M&M’s Toyota to the pits even before the drop of the green flag. After a spacer was inserted in the right rear, Busch charged through the field and was in 10th place on lap 75. He finished in eighth, capturing only his second top 10 in the last eight races.

“We dug ourselves a hole early,” Busch said, “which is in stark contrast to our usual strategy in seasons past, digging ourselves a hole late.

“I hear that I was partly responsible for the incident that wrecked my teammate Denny Hamlin. I heard that through the grapevine, and not through Twitter. Joe Gibbs says teammates should bring out the best in each other. Obviously, that philosophy doesn’t apply to Denny and I. We don’t complement each other, nor will we ever compliment each other.”


9. Carl Edwards

Edwards won the pole at Watkins Glen and raced to his fifth consecutive top-10 finish with a fifth in the Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips at The Glen. He improved one place in the point standings to ninth, 190 ahead of Clint Bowyer in 13th.

“I’m incredibly proud of winning the pole,” said Edwards. “You know what’s so great about starting in the front of the grid? It guarantees that Brad Keselowski won’t be in front of me.”


10. Greg Biffle

After topping both practice sessions and qualifying seventh, Biffle had high hopes at Watkins Glen. Those hopes soured on lap 62, when contact with Boris Said’s No. 83 cost Biffle about 20 positions. With his track position defeated, Biffle could only make up one position the rest of the way and finished 24th. He now sits 11th in the point standings, 112 ahead of Clint Bowyer in 13th.

“Any momentum we garnered in the last two races has been lost,” Biffle said. “But we can quickly recover it in Michigan, where the 3M Ford will proudly display the ‘3 Eminem’ paint scheme, featuring Michigan’s adopted son and rap hero Marshall Mathers.

“That’s actually not true, but coincidentally, here at Roush Fenway, we do refer to Carl Edwards, our svelte teammate of questionable character, as ‘Slim Shady.’”

Mark Cuban: Top Five Things He Should Consider Purchasing

August 11th, 2010

Billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban is always in the market for something. Known best for his ownership (and fervent public support) of the Dallas Mavericks, Cuban has also invested in fast food joints, movie theaters and cable networks, just to name a few.

But he has also failed, twice now, to purchase a Major League Baseball team. Having thrown his hat, and a massive check, into the ring for both the Chicago Cubs and the Texas Rangers to no avail, you can be sure that Cuban is not just going to give up, sit back, and enjoy his wealth.

No, his money must be spent - er - invested in things that little boys usually dream of owning.

So let's take a look at some of the things that Mark Cuban might still be interested in buying now that his most recent attempt to purchase the Rangers has fallen through.

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Oakland Raiders Fans Holding Out From Training Camp

August 11th, 2010

The Oakland Raiders still could not come to an agreement with their fans today to get them to return this season. This marks week two of the holdout by all Raiders fans, who are demanding a new contract that guarantees the team will at least be competitive for at least a month into the season. The fans have said, if an agreement can't be reached, they want to be traded before the season begins to a competitor like the Colts.

"We want assurances that this team will reward us for our efforts," said a representative of the fans. "For years we have come out to games, dressed in ridiculous leather outfits with crazy helmets and spikes.

"We give 110 percent out there, and are rewarded with crap like Daunte Culpepper as our best quarterback of the last eight years? Unacceptable! We are great fans, and deserve better than these Raiders!"

Team officials said they are trying to come to an agreement with their fanbase, and really wants them to attend training camp.

"Just come and see the exciting pieces we've got over the offseason," said owner Al Davis. "We finally got rid of that JaMarcus Russell, and we got that quarterback who wasn't very good in Washington. Just imagine what he can do in a Raiders uniform!

"Let me just read you some names; Michael Bush, Zach Miller, Justin Fargas...If you've never heard of these guys, don't worry, neither have I. But apparently, they were our best offensive players last year. So get excited!"

It's believed the two sides are still far apart on the negotiating points, with the fans once again pointing to the Colts fans as an example.

"Those Colts fans don't know how good they have it!" said the fan's Rep. "They get to sit indoors, they don't even dress up as anything, and they get to go to the AFC title game every year?! Ridiculous! What would they dress up as anyway? A horse?

"We want a deal like that, and if Oakland can't give it to us, we'll take our fan services on the open market. I'm sure a team like the Jaguars would love to have even a few people coming to their stadium!"

As negotiations continue, the mood remains tense in Oakland. Both sides plan to meet again later this week.

Boyfriend Bails on a Foul Ball and It Hits Girlfriend (Video)

August 11th, 2010

A baseball game is a great place to spend an evening with family, friends, or a significant other.  Up at the major league level it's a little pricey, but if you poke around on the Internet, you can find a good enough deal to make a trip to the ballpark more than worth your while.

Depending on when you get there and where your seats are, there's a chance you may even walk out of the stadium with a souvenir baseball courtesy of a foul ball or a friendly ball boy.

One of the more exciting prospects of going to a ballgame is the possibility of catching a foul ball or a home run.  I'm not entirely sure why, because nearly every ball that a fan catches is worthless.  Sure, maybe you catch a record-breaking home run ball or some player's first career jack that they're willing to swap for an autograph or two, but for the most part, the thrill of the foul ball is in the catch itself.

The other day, a Houston fan identified only as Beau took his girlfriend out to the see the Astros take on the division-leading Braves.  He scored some pretty nice seats down the left field line, prime real estate for foul balls.  

And wouldn't you know it, in the fourth inning a Houston player loops a line drive down the left field line and right at the happy couple.  The young man stands up in front of his girlfriend...and ducks out of the way at the last minute, letting the ball hit her squarely on the arm.

What a gentleman.

As you can see in the video, his first instinct after the young lady gets hit is to dive under the seats for the ball, which he hangs on to for dear life and doesn't show any indication of handing it to his girl.

This guy takes a young lady to a ballgame and bails on a foul ball so that she takes the hit instead of him.  Real chivalrous, Captain Cool.  We regularly see fans at ballparks across America sacrificing their bodies, beers, and brats for a chance at a foul ball.  Beau sacrificed his girlfriend.

Maybe he was concerned that the tilt of his hat remained unchanged or that by protecting his girlfriend he would leave what appears to be a dead rat carcass on his chin unprotected.  Whatever his reasoning, at least he got a fantastic story to tell at his fraternity's next beer pong tournament.

The young couple ended up getting interviewed by FSN's field reporter and the girl didn't sound all that enthusiastic about her man's performance.  His excuse was that he lost it in the lights, but that's a cheap cop out.  Matt Holliday found out that that excuse doesn't always fly in last season's NLDS against the Dodgers.  

The reporter also completed Beau's "Loser Ensemble" by outfitting him with a pair of over-sized white sunglasses to help with the glare, which he promptly put on despite it being a night game.  I can almost smell the three cans of Axe that he used before picking up little miss sunshine before the game.

Rule No. 44 from NCIS is "First things first—hide the women and children."  That applies as much to foul balls as it does to war and natural disasters.

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